


Once Upon a Time: The Handsome Prince

by tklivory



Series: Fractured Thedas Tales [2]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: F/M, Fractured Fairy Tale, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:46:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tklivory/pseuds/tklivory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gather round, lads and lasses, gather round and hear the story of the Fifth Blight and its Heroes!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Time: The Handsome Prince

_Once upon a time,_ a young thief was saved from certain death by an anti-hero named Duncan. A lot of bad stuff happened after that, but this is a fairy tale, so we'll skip past the deaths, the fire, the monsters, the arrows, more deaths, more fire, more monsters, more arrows, lots more deaths, lots more fire, lots more monsters, and lots more arrows, and get straight to the part where she found a handsome prince that had been at her side all along.

At first she was angry with the prince for lying to her. "You said you were nothing special!" she cried in protest. "You said that you were raised by flying devout dogs from the remote mountains of a distant land!"

He directed a huge set of puppy eyes in her direction. "Isn't that special, too?"

And so the young thief succumbed to the puppy eyes, forgave the prince, and decided that she would try her hardest to live happily ever after.

They continued on their journey, doing all kinds of icky things like fighting undead skeletons, cadavorous pallored darkspawn, tentacled and many nippled monstrosities, many fanged werewolves, and totally crazy dragon cult men, but again, this is a fairy tale, so we won't mention that - or, for that matter, the stupid idiots of Orzammar who used the young thief like a wet tissue or the Templars in the Tower who made all kinds of promises and then pulled back their hand saying, "Ha! Just kidding!" (Meanie Templars)

Finally, they revived the stupid git who had sent the handsome prince away to the dark, dull, _repressive_ Chantry and for some strange reason decided to follow his advice in trying to solve the problems before them. (yeah, like he showed _real_ good discernment in his choice of wife, I know). Despite his clear lack of good judgment, Arl Eamon also decided that the handsome prince should somehow become king, which, as we all know, is horrible and manipulative (because this was totally a setup for Eamon to become the evil vizier in control of the throne. Stupid git.)

With the help of some stalwart companions, the young thief and the handsome prince made it all the way to the Landsmeet, a great big meeting where a whole bunch of adults acted like a bunch of spoiled children arguing over who got to sit on a special time-out chair that apparently had cradled the ass of many an important man in the history of Fereldan. Finally, after a lot of arguing and head-butting and sword swinging and more fighting and more head-butting and more sword swinging, the young thief lost her patience.

So she did some very not-nice things to a General that had done not-nice things to her and the handsome prince (the which I can't tell you because this is a fairy tale, and it ain't Grimm), then put the Queen on the special throne so she could join the other asses that had sat on the throne, turned to the handsome prince and said, "Let's beat it. Got an Archdemon to kill."

And there was much rejoicing.

Later, a poopyhead called Riordan told them that one of them would have to die. After slapping him upside the head and storming off, the young thief found that her wonderful friend Morrigan would gladly help them avoid that fate if _some really not appropriate things for a fairy tale stuff_ was done. Gritting her teeth, the young thief gave the handsome prince his bedding orders. Fuming, she waited for him to be done, loofah and scrubber in hand.

Later, they fought their way through the streets of a big, dirty city. The poopyhead (not surprisingly) fell to his death because he didn't know that you can't ride a flying, bucking, fire-breathing dragon without fear of reprisal, but I doubt the young thief would really miss him.

After a fierce battle on the high roof somewhere, the young thief lost her patience again. So she did some very not-nice things to the not-nice Archdemon, kissed her handsome prince, and rode off into the sunset with him.

The End


End file.
